Unfortunately my computer fried and I am thinking this may be a sign that I should not be writing this blog. A friend has given me a laptop for the time being and I will be able to post what I write...just not any other content. I can't scan my earlier writings and I had so hoped to start chronologically but such is life. I offer instead my last 24 hours for your consideration.
I left my house (this rarely goes well) to walk to get a coffee down the street and I ran into my ex-boyfriends baby-mama. After cautiously approaching her and asking if her belly bump belonged to (let's call him) Asshat, she and I had a lovely heart to heart that turned very sad and ended in tears. Asshat had lied to, manipulated, sponged, isolated and basically treated us both like cash-machine/sex-dolls with only his best interests in mind. She and I parted under good circumstances with a promise to reconnect and I ventured home.
Home. At home. It began with me on the couch feeling quite...not sewn together well. I felt something pulling me apart in every direction with equal force. I breathed deeply and decided to make my bed all fresh while thinking that I needed to nurture myself. I still felt expansion but now with flashbacks of Asshat that were connecting into a bigger picture. I breathed deeply and tried to imagine all the thoughts and pictures flooding my head were floating away in balloons, through my skull and into space. I went to the shower to wash it all away. I shook in the shower and began to feel a gnawing in the pit of my stomach. I became scared. I knew what would happen next. I reached my phone and called my mother then I couldn't hold myself together anymore. The pain hit my lower back and intensified as it traveled up my spine and into my shoulders. By the time the pain had coursed through my neck over my head and into my sinuses I am reduced to having what I am called in psychosis. Psychosis felt more like I lost physical abilities and reverted to a child who could not understand and is terrified of these feelings in her body. Psychosis is numbness and tremors and drops in body temperature, it is paralyzing and unpredictable at best.
My mother couldn't understand me. It is very hard to talk when you have checked out of reality. I could see blurry and hear mostly my own whimpering. I feel scared because my body is paralyzed and I am completly physically vulnerable. I feel lonely and believed I alone can handle this and it is too much of a burden to place on others to be with me. I feel angry at Asshat for treating me like garbage and disgusted with myself for ever believing that I couldn't do any better. I held my teddy bear and hugged myself in the middle of my bed.
My brother came into my apartment ( he lives close). I finally realized why I want to be alone in these moments of physically paralyzed, emotionally raw...... and no filter. That wonderful wall in my head that holds back all the bad stuff.....quickly broke and now I had feelings, memories, thoughts all jumbled together and screaming loudly inside of me. MY brother touched my foot and it felt like an ache that went up my leg. He touched my foot again and I said "Don't touch me".
My brother sat on my bed with me and tried to make me laugh while I cried. I was bursting...something had to come out. I then verbally vomited everything that I disliked about my brothers actions for the past 32 years while simultaneously apologizing for the wrongs I committed toward him over my life. I did not want for this to happen. I could not control the words as they fell out of my mouth. A vault of secrets so full it overflows.
My brother took it well and was really supportive. He stayed with me and made sure i was alright. He said he loves me and will help me whenever I need him. A combination of calling for help, a release of resentments toward him, and apologies for my wrongs all being received, accepted and then forgiven. His love for me did not diminish...in fact it grew for both of us. I was feeling better within a few hours.
It would take me months when I was younger to deal with these episodes. I can handle these episodes but they throw me off for a few weeks. It has been 2 days and I am able to now allow myself to be vulnerable to another human. This is good. Very good.
